Jack and the Beanstalk
21st December, 2006
A seasonally-adjusted contemporary Pantomime, by Paul Kingsnorth
‘See here, Jack’ said Jack’s mother, one warm winter morning. ‘I have a job for you, son. Now listen carefully, because I don’t want you cocking it up like you do with absolutely everything else.’
‘Righty-ho mother!’ said Jack, brightly. Jack was a good lad, who always wanted his mother to be happy, but he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box.
‘I want you to take Betsy the cow down to the milking shed’, said his mother. ‘When you get there, I want you to milk her, in line with EU hygiene regulations. Make sure you wear goggles and a pair of those super-disinfected anti-MRSA boots, and whatever you do, don’t touch the cow. Do you understand that?’
‘Milk the cow’, replied Jack. ‘No problemo.’
‘Then’, continued Jack’s mother, ‘I want you to take the milk down to Tesco’s and see if you can get more than three pence for it. And don’t go swapping it for an out-of-date ready meal like you did last time, or there’ll be no Turkey Twizzlers for dinner.’
‘Yes ma!’ replied Jack, enthusiastically. ‘You can rely on...
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